


Practical Jokes can be Murder

by AauntyPasta



Category: Diagnosis Murder
Genre: Gen, Pranks and Practical Jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 15:24:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18318020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AauntyPasta/pseuds/AauntyPasta
Summary: When a colleague of Steve’s starts a prank war, someone makes real victims of her prank victims.





	Practical Jokes can be Murder

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a long time ago, but thought it would be fun to post for April Fool's Day! Have fun reading!

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Mark woke up at around 5:30 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep. He gave up on trying to finish out the night and by 6:00 he pulled on his housecoat and slippers and started down the hall towards the kitchen.

Passing the front door, he saw the shadow of a woman through the etched glass. She looked like she was fiddling with the lock, so Mark went over and opened the door.

She looked up at him in shock and dropped the key she had been holding.

"Can I help you with something?" Mark asked as he eyed the skeleton she had slung over her shoulder.

"I don't know," she said then thrust out her hand. "I'm Melanie Denten."

Mark shook her hand then remembered Steve talking about a Melanie Denten. "You're the girl that's been playing practical jokes on everyone at the precinct."

Melanie smiled. "That's right," she told him as she adjusted the skeleton. "Steve's the only person down at the precinct who has been able to avoid my jokes."

Mark smiled. "And you're here to get him," he said. "What do you have planned for him."

Melanie raised her eyebrows at him. "You want to help?"

 

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Mark and Melanie crept into Steve's bedroom with the skeleton and Mark's video camera to find Steve sleeping soundly on his back on the right side of the bed. While Mark set the camera on Steve's desk, making sure it was zoomed out all the way and pointing the correct direction, Melanie threw back the covers on the left side of the bed and lay the skeleton down next to him. Every so often she would glance over to make sure he was still asleep. 

She pulled the covers back over the skeleton she had put in Steve's double bed, and walked around to his alarm clock. She studied it for a second then, finding that it had a battery to save the time in case of power outages, unplugged it and walked back to the other side. Mark turned the camera on then watched as she plugged the clock back in and set it on the table there, setting it to go off in two minutes.

She shooed him out and leaned up against the doorjamb, Mark peeking over her shoulder, both waiting for the alarm to go off.

Just as Melanie glanced down at her watch, the alarm went off. Steve lifted his head off the pillow, hair in a complete disarray, eyes open but full of sleep. He turned his head to turn off the alarm and found it wasn't where it was supposed to be. He looked around, trying to figure out where the sound was coming from and found it on the other bedside table.

Steve leaned over the lump in the other side of the bed and turned off the alarm. On his way back he noticed the lump and uncovered it. The skeleton was the last thing he expected to be there, and he screamed and fell off the bed.

"New girlfriend?" came a voice from the other side of the room. Steve looked up to see Melanie standing there.

She began to chuckle, and Steve picked himself off the floor. He had been sleeping in a pair of boxer shorts and nothing else, so Melanie eyed him appreciatively as he eyed her with annoyance in his eyes.

"So, I'm your next victim," Steve said as he came around the bed.

"Yeah," Melanie said. "But I'm not done yet."

She threw the skeleton over her shoulder then crossed over to the camera which had been running the whole time and stopped it, pulling the tape from it and turning back around. She held it in her hand so he could see.

"You didn't," Steve said as he moved towards her.

"I did," Melanie said as she backed away from him. She backed into the room where Mark was against the wall trying not to laugh then turned around and sprinted up the stairs and out the front door without dropping the skeleton.

Steve followed as far as the front steps and watched helplessly as she threw the bones in the back seat of her convertible and jumped over the door, landing in the front seat. Before she drove off she picked up a camera from the seat beside her and snapped a few shots of him as he stood, hands on his hips, just outside the front door in nothing but a pair of boxer shorts. He stood there for two seconds more after she drove away.

Mark came up behind him, still trying to keep the laughter from boiling over. "So what do you want for breakfast?"

"Her," Steve said with a gesture to where Melanie had disappeared. "Eating crow." He turned and went back into the house leaving Mark to laugh his head off. 

 

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Steve sat at his desk, just a bit paranoid, wondering when Melanie would strike with the video she had taken of her practical joke that morning. He didn't have to wait long.

Melanie wheeled the TV and VCR in on their cart and pushed them up against a wall where everyone could see it, plugged them in and turned them both on with the remote. "Everyone," she said loudly. "Could I have your attention?" Once everyone had stopped working and looked up at her, she went on. "Presenting my latest victim." She hit the play button.

Steve felt like hiding as he watched the scene from this morning play out on the TV screen. He put his head on his desk and pounded it as everyone around him laughed at the prank. When the tape finished playing, several officers patted Steve on the back and offered laughing condolences on the loss of his dignity.

"I have pictures for anyone who wants them," she said as everyone began to disburse.

Melanie pushed the cart past Steve's desk on the way out and he lifted his head to look at her. "Paybacks are hell, you know," he told her.

"Nobody's paid me back yet," Melanie replied as she ejected the tape from the machine.

"I don't suppose I could have that tape," Steve said.

"When I'm done," Melanie replied as she held it up between her fingers. "I'm not quite finished with it yet."

"By the time you get finished with it," Steve said with his head in his hands. "It won't matter anymore."

"So you'll have a memento of the experience," she said as she stuck the tape in a pocket and tossed an envelope on his desk.

"Sure," Steve said then picked up the envelope. "What's this?"

"Pictures," Melanie said and she went on, pushing the cart through the door. Steve opened the envelope and took them out. Suddenly, she turned around and looked at him again. "I think you'd better get a look at the bulletin board."

"What? Why?"

Melanie shrugged. "You might want to take something down."

Steve glanced down at the pictures, taken of him standing on the front stairs in his boxers, then back up to where Melanie had disappeared through the door. He dropped the pictures on the floor and dashed out into the hall to the bulletin board. Several people were gathered around it, and a few women whistled appreciatively when they saw Steve run up to the crowd and push his way through. Sure enough there were copies of the picture posted under the heading, 'New memos.' Steve groaned and pulled them off the board. The crowd began to clear.

"I was going to have them enlarged to poster size," Melanie said from behind him. "But I didn't have time." She turned and stalked off. To get back to work, Steve hoped.

He shoved the pictures in his pocket and went back to his desk where he gathered the rest of them and put them with the others. People were still offering condolences, and annoying Steve to no end, so he decided to go to lunch. Maybe things would have calmed down by the time he got back. And he needed to have a long talk with his father.

 

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Melanie had given Mark a copy of the tape for him to have a little fun with, so he did with a vengeance. Jesse, Amanda and Mark were waiting for Steve in the doctor's lounge when he got there. Steve filled a mug with coffee, and turned to see the trio watching him.

"What?" he asked.

Mark had the TV's remote in his hand and he hit a button on it.

"Dad, please don't do this to me," Steve said as he rolled his eyes.

The video played and Jesse and Amanda got a real kick out of it. "I've already seen this, thank you," Steve said then dropped the stack of pictures on the table next to Mark. "Here, have some photographs."

Mark picked them up and looked at them before separating them and passing them off to the others.

"So," Jesse said when he finally stopped laughing. "You gonna get her back?"

"As soon as I can think of how," Steve said, taking a sip of his coffee. "You can bet on it." He gave a sharp look to Mark. "Traitor."

Mark looked innocent. "Me? All I did was lend her my video camera."

"All you did was lend her your video camera," Steve said. "And helped her get into the house, and helped her set up the joke, and encouraged her."

"You need a bit of fun in your life," Mark told him. "You've been way to serious lately. I thought you could use a break from the serious part of your job."

Steve shook his head before he looked up at Amanda. "Amanda, I have an idea to get her back, but I'll need your help."

"Sure," Amanda said. "Sounds like fun. What do you need?"DMDMDMDMDMDMDMDMDMDMD

Brice Jordan was the first victim of Melanie Denten. He was also the first victim of murder. Melanie looked through his autopsy report with a heavy heart.

"I can't believe he's gone," she said to Steve as he sat on her desk after having given her the report.

"Yeah, well," Steve said. "I can't believe it either. None of us can. There's absolutely no reason I can think of for someone to have done this."

"Now I feel a bit bad about that practical joke I played on him," she said.

"It's not your fault," Steve said. "We thought it was funny at the time. And he didn't get hurt, did he?"

Melanie smiled. "And it gives me a good memory of him, too."

Melanie had exchanged the hefty man's uniform for one a size smaller. It made him think he was gaining weight. For a week, he had rice cakes for lunch. The next week she exchanged it for a uniform a size larger. He thought he had lost too much weight and started trying to put the pounds back on. When she revealed the joke, he had sworn to get her back. Now it looked as if he would never get the chance.

"Got any leads?" she asked as she handed him the file.

Steve shook his head. "None," he replied.

"Need any help?"

"Maybe," Steve responded. "I'll let you know."

He stood and left Melanie alone to contemplate things.

 

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Melanie stood over the body of Nathan James. Nathan had a bullet hole in his forehead and his eyes were glazed over as they stared at the ceiling.

"This isn't happening," she mumbled as the crime photographer snapped pictures of the crime scene and the body.

Nathan had been the recipient of her second practical joke. As he was getting dressed in the locker room, she tricked him into believing her in trouble, then when he came out in his undershirt and boxer shorts, she locked him out. He had had to run through the police station trying to find someone to let him back into the room so he could get dressed.

Steve came up behind her as she looked down at the body. "First Jordan, now James," he said. "What is going on here?"

"How should I know?" Melanie said. "Obviously, someone doesn't like cops too much."

Amanda joined them. "He was killed with the same caliber gun that killed Jordan. I won't know if it's the same gun until I get him into the lab."

"Thanks Amanda," Steve said as the examiner moved out behind the stretcher with the body and body bag on it.

Melanie looked back at Steve. "Anything?" she asked.

"Nothing," Steve replied. "Not a fingerprint, not a hair, nothing."

Melanie sighed. "This is not going to be easy."

"No, it's not," Steve replied. "Let me drive you home."

Melanie nodded. "Whatever."

 

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Melanie sat at her desk, looking forlornly at the three autopsy reports. Jerry Watson was the third murder victim-- and her third practical joke victim. A pattern was beginning to show. The killer had to be someone who was in the precinct. Someone who was familiar with her practical joking. She looked up at Steve as he stood over her desk.

"What do you want?" she asked.

"I want to talk to you," Steve replied. "In interrogation."

Melanie looked up at him with a puzzled expression. "Why?"

"You've obviously seen the pattern start," Steve said. "I want to ask you a few questions."

Reluctantly, Melanie stood up. Steve held out his hand and she walked in the direction he indicated. An hour later, she was exhausted, and Steve was no closer to finding the killer.

"I want to know why your joke victims are being murdered," he said as a uniformed officer came into the room. "Before anyone else is killed."

"Too late," the officer said. "The body was found a few minutes ago and the examiner says Mike Dalton was shot more than two hours ago."

Steve looked down at Melanie. "I was at lunch a couple of hours ago," she said.

"I know," Steve said. "Stay here."

Steve left the room and Melanie put her head in her hands. "I don't believe this is happening," she said.

 

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Steve walked into the observation room's darkness and watched Melanie through the two-way mirror. "She's not doing too well, is she?" the other man said.

"No, she isn't," Steve replied. "I almost feel sorry for her."

"Going out on another 'murder'?"

"Yeah," Steve replied. "Can't wait to get back and question her about it."

The other officer slapped Steve on the back. "Go to it, my man."

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Melanie sat in the room for a good hour and a half before Steve finally rejoined her. "Would you explain this to me?" he said.

"Explain what?" Melanie asked.

"Why your joke victims are becoming murder victims?"

"I can't explain," she wailed. "I didn't do anything!"

Steve leaned down and put his hands on the table in front of her. "They said they'd get you back. So you decided to get rid of them before they did."

Melanie shook her head. "I didn't do it."

Steve pushed away from the table and stood up straight again. "You are the only suspect," he said as he paced the room.

"I didn't kill anyone," she said quietly.

Steve ignored her and went on. "You work with homicide detectives everyday, so you'd know what clues to get rid of, and how to do it."

Melanie stood up so sharply that she knocked over the chair. "I DID NOT DO IT! Why won't you listen to me! You have no proof!"

"We haven't got any proof, that's true," Steve went on. "But we will. And before you can kill any of your other victims."

"You're just afraid that you'll be next," Melanie said as she crossed her arms across her chest.

"No, there are two others before you got to me, remember?"

Melanie growled. "I'm leaving," she said.

"Did I say you could go?" Steve asked.

"Then arrest me," she said as she held her hands up under his nose. "Take me away, lock me up and throw away the key."

"I don't have the evidence to lock you up," Steve said a bit too seriously.

"Then I'm leaving," she replied. "Good day, Steve."

She stalked out of the room and then returned to slam the door behind her.

Steve shook his head, smiled and gave a thumbs up to the mirror.

"I don't know how he can keep a straight face," said the man on the other side.

 

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Mark was pouring a cup of coffee when Melanie knocked on the back door the next morning. He looked up, smiled and went to answer it. "How are you, Melanie?" he said.

"Not good," she said, then told him what had transpired just an hour before. "I need your help."

"I will certainly help in any way that I can," he told her. "What can I do?"

"I need to find someone who can place me somewhere besides the murder scenes," she said. "And I need to find the real killer."

"Where were you during each of the murders?"

"Well, for the most recent one, I was at lunch."

"Where?"

Melanie sighed and looked a bit skeptical. "At home," she told him.

"Nobody saw you?"

"I don't know," she said. "That's why I need your help."

"I'll be glad to offer what I can," Mark said as he heard the front door shut.

"So this is where you've been hiding out," he said.

"Leave me alone, I came here to see your father," she growled back at him.

"Well, I've got to take you back in," he said. "Pat Miller was found dead, and a witness places you at the scene."

"Where was he found?"

"You should know," Steve said. "They found him in his garage at home. He was in his car."

"I don't even know where he lives... lived," she protested.

Steve took her arm. "Come on," he said.

Melanie jerked away and held up her hands. "Aren't you going to cuff me or search me?"

Reluctantly, Steve patted her down then cuffed her hands behind her. "I'll be back in a few minutes," Steve said as he led her out the door.

Mark shook his head. "I think it would be a bad idea for me to help you right now," he said. "Conflict of interest."

"That never stopped you before," Melanie called back to him.

 

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Melanie paced the interrogation room like a caged animal. It turned out that there had been two murders that morning. That meant that Steve Sloan would likely be the next victim. She had been beginning to like the guy before all of this started happening. Now he was trying to prove her guilty of murder.

Steve entered the room, interrupting her thoughts. "I want to talk to my lawyer," Melanie demanded.

"He's been notified and he's on his way," he told her. "But we have to let you go. Not enough evidence."

"Great!" Melanie exclaimed as she grabbed her coat. "I'm out of here."

Steve grabbed her arm before she could leave the room. "Don't leave town," he ordered.

Melanie shrugged out of his grasp. "Where am I gonna go?"

 

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She was finishing cooking her dinner when the phone rang. It was Mark, and he sounded upset. "Could you come down to Community General?" he asked her.

"Is something wrong?" she said as she nibbled from the plate in front of her.

"Yes," Mark replied. "Would you come down?"

"I'll be there in a few," she said.

She grabbed her jacket and motorcycle helmet and headed out the door.

 

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Mark was pacing in front of the morgue when Melanie finally got there. "Mark, what's wrong?" she asked him.

Mark took her by the arm and led her into the morgue. Amanda stood there waiting with a concerned expression on her face. Jesse Travis was just inside the door and there was a body laying on the table.

"What's going on?" Melanie asked.

"This is our latest murder victim," Amanda said as she pulled the sheet away.

Steve Sloan lay there, pale and unmoving. Melanie gasped. Jesse made a noise like a sob.

"How could you do this to me?" Mark asked. "I helped you with that joke, and you make my son a murder victim."

Amanda covered Steve's body back up and started toward her. "He was my friend," she said. "How could you?"

Jesse had his mouth covered and was unable to speak, but he started towards her as well. She back up against the table as she looked at the three. "I didn't do it!" she wailed. "I just played a few practical jokes! I didn't want anyone to get killed.

Suddenly, the body behind her sat up. Melanie screamed and ran across the room and out the door to find that all of the murder victims stood just outside alive and well and smiling at her. She looked at them, shocked, then turned around to look at the covered body in the morgue as it still sat up. Steve pulled the sheet away to reveal that he was still as alive and well as the others were.

Melanie walked back into the room and smacked his arm. "This is sooo not funny!"

"I told you that paybacks were hell," Steve said as he swung his legs over the edge of the table and hopped off, joining her in the doorway.

"But my jokes were funny," Melanie said.

"Not for us," Brice said. "I really enjoyed seeing you squirm while Steve was questioning you."

Melanie fisted her hand as if she might hit someone then let it drop to her side. She turned to Mark. "You were in on this weren't you?"

"From the beginning," he answered.

"Traitor," Melanie said then looked around at everyone with a tight smile.

"Funny," Mark said. "That's what Steve said to me after you played the prank on him."

Melanie turned to Nathan James. "You had a bullet hole in your head."

"Yeah, I did," he replied. "It looked real didn't it?"

Melanie rolled her eyes. "You're all nuts," she said. "You know that?"

"You drove us there," Steve said.

Melanie looked around and laughed. Everyone laughed along with her.


End file.
